empty regrets

"you're a mess but yes you're beautiful"

i can do this

one more week of work.  five days.  then one more weekend in hell.  i will pack or do job apps or watch movies or something.  then free week WHERE I WILL SEE YOU AND IT WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.  so excited.

#personal #work #i miss you

i’m not lazy

i just don’t want to get up and face the world tomorrow.

#personal #work

green

the first thing i asked when of my coworkers when she came in this morning was, “did you see how many people are wearing green?”  she got upset because i said that before “hello” or “good morning” or anything like that.  oops.  oh well.  six people in my lab wore green today.

#personal #work #green

to do list

  • work myself to death
  • rot in this hell hole

rinse and repeat

#personal #work

all my time

there are 168 hours in one week.  i work 40 hours a week, so that leaves 128 hours.  in actuality i spend more than 40 hours a week away for work.  i take a half hour lunch break every day, and i commute a half hour (sometimes longer) each way every day.  that’s another 8 hours gone.  down to 120 hours.  i sleep for about 9 hours every night, so that’s 63 hours a week, leaving only 57 hours.  i take a half hour to eat breakfast and get dressed on weekdays, and i also take a half hour for dinner every day.  that’s 6 more hours gone, down to 51.  taking a shower and getting ready for bed every night takes a half hour.  that’s 3.5 more hours.  only 47.5 left.  lunch on the weekends is a half hour each and getting dressed on weekends is a half hour total.  so that’s another 1.5 hours.  down to 46 hours.  i work out for 1 hour every day.  39 hours left.  that’s it.  that’s all my free time for the week.  most of it is on the weekends too.  when you divide it all out like this, it doesn’t seem like much at all.  i spend more time at work than free time.  that is just sad.

#personal #time #work

the clean room

at work i have to go in the clean room a lot.  i have to suit up to go inside.  the lights are yellow, to block out UV light.  the machines are loud, but you get used to the hum.  i like it in there.  you don’t have to think  about anything.  i just rinse my substrates or whatever i have to do, and don’t worry about anything else.  i feel calm and content.  i don’t worry about real life when i’m in there.  even though i’m alone with my thoughts, it’s never bad.  i don’t get sad.  i just replay happy memories in my head and it makes me happy.  i think that’s okay.

#personal #work

overstressed

I am super overstressed because of work and life. gahhh I hate being like this. I also need to be getting more sleep…

#personal #work #sleep #stress
  • Me: Work sucks
  • Tom Delonge: I know
#Blink-182 #lyrics #all the small things #work

i’m caught in an endless cycle

so i’m really stressed out due to a number of things such as work and my personal life and because of that i tend to get frustrated easily and snap at people which in turn makes me believe that they hate me which makes me depressed which makes me hate myself which only makes me think that everyone hates me more for my pathetic self-hate and basically it’s an endless cycle of self-hate and depression

#personal #work #depression #i really wish i had better self-esteem

i can’t do this anymore

i know tomorrow’s supposed to be “better” or whatever because it’s not the weekend anymore and that means i’ll spend the majority of the day at work instead of surrounded by these people i hate called my family, but just the thought of spending 8 hours at work is exhausting.  i always say i love my job, but honestly, i don’t really care anymore.  i have no idea what i want to do with the rest of my life, with my career.  but lately i’ve been thinking of going in a whole different direction.  i hate chemistry, and i don’t want to really go into science anymore; it doesn’t appeal to me career-wise.  so why am i doing this job, doing research for 40 hours a week, is beyond me.  i guess for the money, and to get away.  and also i suppose to pretend that i still like it.  but i can’t really fool myself anymore.  i figured out that’s what i’ve been doing for a while now, just pretending that what everyone else was saying was true, that i do like chemistry and i want to do that and get a good career and such.  but i’m tired of other people running my life and telling me what to do.  i’m my own person, and i’m gonna do whatever the fuck i want.

gahhh i just don’t know what to do with myself.  what to do for the next 80 days until i go back to school.  maybe i’m just depressed, but i really see no point in any of this at all.  wow i guess this kind of turned into a rant.  oh well

#personal #work #chemistry sucks #i give up