i feel like i’m standing on the edge
every second feels like an eternity
- work myself to death
- rot in this hell hole
rinse and repeat
who is to blame for my suffering?
i feel like i’ve got nothing and no one to turn to and i can’t stand it. i don’t know what to do anymore. it all hurts too much.
there are 168 hours in one week. i work 40 hours a week, so that leaves 128 hours. in actuality i spend more than 40 hours a week away for work. i take a half hour lunch break every day, and i commute a half hour (sometimes longer) each way every day. that’s another 8 hours gone. down to 120 hours. i sleep for about 9 hours every night, so that’s 63 hours a week, leaving only 57 hours. i take a half hour to eat breakfast and get dressed on weekdays, and i also take a half hour for dinner every day. that’s 6 more hours gone, down to 51. taking a shower and getting ready for bed every night takes a half hour. that’s 3.5 more hours. only 47.5 left. lunch on the weekends is a half hour each and getting dressed on weekends is a half hour total. so that’s another 1.5 hours. down to 46 hours. i work out for 1 hour every day. 39 hours left. that’s it. that’s all my free time for the week. most of it is on the weekends too. when you divide it all out like this, it doesn’t seem like much at all. i spend more time at work than free time. that is just sad.
twice is nice
it was at a gas station. you were leaving. i wanted to hold on forever.
so i’ve decided to give up a lot. i’m giving up junk food. because honestly what’s the point of junk food? it has no nutritional value. also soda. i will only have it on special occasions i guess. too many calories and sugar. also giving up alcohol. yeah, i know, it’s crazy. but after last thursday night, no more alcohol for me. maybe one occasional drink here and there, but no getting drunk. i was so bad that night. i threw up and ended up hungover all day friday. i felt so sick, and i really wasted our time, which i felt so shitty about. so yeah, just trying to give up bad things, and make things better. i hope it works out.
at work i have to go in the clean room a lot. i have to suit up to go inside. the lights are yellow, to block out UV light. the machines are loud, but you get used to the hum. i like it in there. you don’t have to think about anything. i just rinse my substrates or whatever i have to do, and don’t worry about anything else. i feel calm and content. i don’t worry about real life when i’m in there. even though i’m alone with my thoughts, it’s never bad. i don’t get sad. i just replay happy memories in my head and it makes me happy. i think that’s okay.